200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts
by Lyrae Malfoy
Summary: Where Fred and George Weasley are concerned, boredom is a dangerous thing. On the first weekend at Hogwarts, Ron Weasley agrees to start a Prank War with his brothers against Umbridge that will become a part of history and Hogwarts legend.
1. Chapter 1

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N – 24/4/2015 Hello! It's Cherry! I'm going back through this story, editing (it was dreadful before, oh, the grammar!) and changing some things and maybe even make it longer ;) Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer – Anything you recognise belongs to JK Rowling.**

* * *

**Chapter One: How it all Started**

The first day of Hogwarts infamous prank war started just like any other ordinary day. It was the first weekend of Fred and George Weasley's last year of school, and they were bored. You see, boredom can lead to a whole lot of things, especially when the Weasley twins were involved. So naturally something needed to be done.

"Ron!" Ron Weasley turned around, groaning when he saw who it was. His twin brothers, Fred and George striding up towards him in the Great Hall. Grinning widely, the two took seats on either side of Ron.

"What do you two want?" Ron asked, stabbing his bacon. The twins pulled faces, appalled at their brother's lack of manners.

"Well that's no way to greet your fellow brothers!" said George, sounded morally offended.

"You'd think he'd have better manners than that, wouldn't you George?" said Fred. "Growing up with us and all"

"What do you want?" Ron repeated. It was best to be direct with the twins, it was the only way to get what you wanted out of them.

"Okay, we need a favour" George said seriously. Ron was taken aback. He had never heard this serious tone in either of the twins and, thinking it was important, decided to listen, an action he later learned to regret.

"What kind of favour?" he asked cautiously. The twins could really be planning anything.

"We need your help to start a revolution" George said.

"What?" Ron asked again, confused.

The twins had an evil sparkle in their eyes Ron didn't like the look of. Neither did he like the use of the word 'revolution'

"A Prank War" Fred and George said in unision.

"With you, Harry and Hermione's help, we could start the biggest war Hogwarts has ever seen!" Fred exclaimed excitedly, before George shushed him, glancing at the teachers table.

"It would be the next big thing to push Umbridge just over the edge" he continued in a slightly lowered tone.

Ron considered for a moment. Umbridge was by far (perhaps not Quirrell) the worst teacher they had ever seen, even the teachers didn't like her. A prank war was risking a lot, but she was torturing students, and wasn't the risk worth it?

"We're going to get caught" he told the twins uncertainly.

"Oh yes, of course" Fred said, waving it away.

"That's a given" George added.

"But we need to do something. We can't let her get away with it. She's evil" George said.

"This is just a fun way to do it. It will also be a great excuse to mess with the Slytherins" Fred grinned.

Ron didn't need to consider again. They had some very good points.

"I'm in" he told the twins. "We just need to get Harry and Hermione in on it"

"Excellent" Fred said, rubbing his hands together. "'Good luck with that. We're off to see Lee"

* * *

Ron walked nervously back to the Gryffindor common room, knowing that his two best friends would be there. He could already anticipate their answers; Hermione would flat out say 'no', and Harry would be skeptical.

"Oh, Ron, there you are!" He looked up and nearly walked straight into Hermione.

"Oh! Hi Hermione!" He cursed himself, noting how high his voice got when he was nervous.

Hermione frowned. "Did you just inhale an absurd amount of helium?"

"What?"

"Helium?"

"It's – oh, nevermind"

"Where's Harry?"

"He's finishing his potions essay in the common room – Ron, where are you going?" she called after him.

"Come on!" he yelled back. "I need you two!"

* * *

"No" Hermione said flatly. "Absolutely not"

Ron wished he could high five his earlier self.

"Oh come on Hermione, it will be fun!" said Harry, who was only too happy to help out with the Prank War against Umbridge.

"It goes against every school rule, _ever_!" She complained. Ron and Harry rolled their eyes.

"Hermione, one, we have _already_ broken just about every rule ever" Harry said, mimicking her voice at 'ever'. Ron nodded.

If Hermione didn't join in, this would all fail. They needed some brains on their side.

"Well even so, we need to keep a clean record for a good reputation, or our whole futures will be ruined!" Hermione insisted.

"Oh come on Hermione!" Ron suddenly shouted. "It's not going to ruin our records, detentions count for nothing as long as you get passable grades and this will probably _help your_ reputation around the school!"

Hermione glared at him. Ron groaned.

Way to go Weasley, insulting her is going to get you _so_ far.

But fortunately for him, he had Harry on his side, who knew Hermione well as well.

"Leave her Ron. She's only scared"

That set it off. Hermione Granger is _not_ scared and will _never_ back down a challenge.


	2. Chapter 2

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**Authors Note - Hi guys! First I want to thank Dubious Sight and Bluepanda800 for their reviews! You guys are my first. Not only for this story, but for any. I am new, haha. I know it is kinda sad I'm updated twice in one day, but its school holidays and I have nothing to do. But don't expect this all the time, my mum doesn't let me on for more than an hour. Its super annoying so I'm forced to read fanfic on my ipod until 2 in the morning. **

**No more delays, I'll start!**

**UPDATED 24/4/2015**

* * *

**Chapter Two: I will not start bets on how long the new DADA teacher will last**

"So what are we going to do first?" Fred, George, Hermione, Harry, Ron and Lee were all gathered in The Three Broomsticks scheming – er, _discussing_ – on ways best to drive Umbridge out of the school.

"The possibilities are endless, Umbridge hates it here already" Harry said.

"The best way to do it would be during a class" Lee said, who, like Hermione, was the sensible one in the trio. Or in this case, sixo.

"Yes" Hermione agreed. "Then she'll have no one in particular to blame, and the other classmates won't blab"

"In any other case, you would be the one doing the blabbing" Fred teased her. Hermione rolled her eyes at him.

"This is a special case" she told him. "Something needs to be done about Umbridge, and no one else is taking any action"

"What about DA?" Harry frowned. He'd been enjoying the lessons and took Hermione's statement to heart.

"I didn't mean it like that, Harry" she sighed, sounding exasperated. "DA is fantastic, but this is directly affecting Umbridge. DA is learning defensive mechanisms to protect ourselves against Voldemort"

There were a few sharp gasps from around the table while Harry rolled his eyes.

"Plus, this is going to be so fun" George said, smirking.

The discussion continued on, a plan being skillfully devised by the sixo.

* * *

Dolores Umbridge was having a bad day. It had taken less than a week for her to realise she absolutely hated and despised children. Now she had her least favourite class on a Monday morning with her fifth years, the one with that awful, attention seeking Potter brat in it, as well as that know-it-all Granger and simpleton Weasley. He wasn't as bad as his brothers, but she despised him all the same for the company he kept.

Groaning, she walked into her classroom. Most mornings students were spread all throughout the classroom, yelling, throwing paper planes, paper balls and generally being a nuisance.

Instead of this and then scrambling back to their desks when they heard her come in, this morning they were quietly talking to each other around one desk and barely looked up when she entered.

Tut tut. That just wouldn't do.

"Excuse me class, what are you doing?" It was then that they ran back to their desks. To add to the confusion, she noticed that it was both Gryffindors and Slytherins that had been huddled together.

Wondering whatever they could have been doing, she marched up to the desk. Her eyes narrowed when she saw whose desk it was.

Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. The latter was clutching a piece of parchment as if her life depended on it.

"Let me see that" Umbridge said commandingly, holding her hand out to Hermione.

"Um, Professor, I don't think you want to-" Without waiting, Dolores snatched the parchment away and started to read aloud until she really saw what she was reading and stopped looking down the page, her mouth falling open.

_Bets on DADA Teacher_

_Sacked - Granger, Brown, Patil_

_Quit - Patil, Granger, Weasley, Potter, Zabini_

_Drowned - Potter, Weasley, Finnegan, Thomas_

_Burned at Stake - Malfoy, Zabini, Finnegan, Potter, Weasley_

_Death by Stampede of Centaurs - Thomas, Finnegan_

_Chocked to Death by McGonogall - Potter, Weasley, Finnegan, Thomas, Patil, Brown_

_Killed by Students - Malfoy, Zabini, Weasley, Potter, Finnegan, Thomas, Granger, Brown, Patil_

The last ones list went on and on.

Umbridge looked up at the class with wide, frightened eyes to see them all smiling at her sweetly. She put the parchment on her desk and let them out of class thirty five minutes early.

* * *

Upon first meeting her, Professor McGonagall hadn't taken much of a liking to her new collage, Dolores Umbridge. But ever since Monday night's meeting, she couldn't help but feel like something – or someone - had happened to her.

McGonagall knew that being a teacher was a very hard and stressful job; she had worked at Hogwarts for over thirty years and of seven of those years - the most recent - she had to deal with the Weasley twins, and before that, the marauders.

Since it was the Weasley twins last year, McGonagall was sure that they would want to make it memorable and couldn't help thinking Umbridge had chosen a bad year to start working at Hogwarts.

It had only been a week and she looked fairly traumatised. When McGonagall herself started it had, of course, been difficult but not nearly as bad as Umbridge's had been so far, but then again, the Weasley twins weren't born yet then.

So, she decided she wanted to know what was happening to cause all this.

During one of the periods she didn't have a class, McGonagall walked down towards the DADA classroom to see what was happening.

She knew if she walked in, everything would cease to happen (one of the very few drawbacks of being the strictest teachers in the school – she seriously maintained the fact that Severus was just fearful), so she just stood in the doorway watching.

It was the seventh year's class - with the Weasley twins. McGonagall felt slightly bad for Umbridge, but was also glad that she had walked into the right class.

And sure enough, it was George Weasley who raised his hand in the middle of a lecture.

"Yes, Mr Weasley?" Umbridge said.

"Professor, I was wondering that what defines a Dark Wizard?" he asked.

Umbridge raised her eyebrows.

"Well, Mr Weasley, a Dark Wizard usually means that they have taken part in illegal practices, such as torture and murder"

"What do you think defines torture?" Fred Weasley put in. McGonogall groaned, knowing what was to come.

"Whatever the victim feels is abuse, uncomfortable, or against their will"

"Like school?" George asked with an evil grin. Umbridge shifted uncomfortably.

"No-"

"But it is against our will. We don't want to do it" Fred pointed out.

"Yes, but it is the law"

"So the law means that you can't torture people but you can make people do things against their will?" George said, grinning. Umbridge stared at them.

"School is a necessary aspect of life Mr Weasley" she said. "Abuse is not"

"That makes no sense" Fred said. "That makes you a Dark Wizard" Umbridge said nothing and just stared at them with her mouth hanging open.

"You give out unnecessary detentions, are a teacher, hate children and want other races dead" said George. Even McGonagall gasped. He couldn't have just said that.

"WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST!" Fred screamed.

McGonogall walked away reminding herself to book Umbridge in for therapy.

* * *

**Dubious Sight - Thank you for reviewing you are my very first. I am glad you like the story and I appreciate the criticism, I know I didn't add in enough description, I think that's my worst flaw- don't hesitate to tell me!**


	3. Chapter 3

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N - This is the first request of RUGoing2writethat, hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer – I really hadn't been doing these before. I do not own Harry Potter.**

* * *

**Chapter Four: I will not charm the Educational Degrees**

"How do you feel about your students?" Dolores Umbridge laid upon the uncomfortable couch, listening to her annoying therapist, Wendy ask her the stupidest questions possible.

"That's a stupid question" she said, rolling her eyes. Wendy sighed for the eighth time that session. She couldn't wait until her drug addicted hooker came in and the teacher was forced to leave. "I do not like my students at all. They are all out to get me"

Wendy groaned. "Dolores-"

"How many times have I asked you not to call me that?" Umbridge snapped. "Call me Professor Umbridge. I'm paying you, I believe you I am above your level"

Wendy stared at the woman on her sofa. "Yeah, I think we're done here"

* * *

Umbridge had been at Hogwarts for two weeks and she had already been booked in for therapy. Her plan for Hogwarts was failing, which was why she had asked Cornelius for the Educational Degrees.

As nothing had happened for two days, she was pleased with herself and satisfied that the Educational Degrees were doing their job.

Harry Potter, however, was not. Ever since his detention he had wished Umbridge death and written to Sirius asking if she was with Voldemort, but so far she was just an evil old woman. With her at Hogwarts he started looking forward to potions with Snape.

So while he was walking into the Great Hall to have lunch, needless to say he wasn't pleased when an Educational Degree fell on his foot.

Cursing Filch's poor nailing skills, Harry picked up the frame and smashed the glass inside of it in frustration. Realising the frame had a picture of Umbridge in it, he decided it was time for an impromptu prank.

He waved his wand several times and then duplicated the result once the frame was reattached.

He used magic to put them all back up and he grinned at his spell work.

* * *

Umbridge was feeling so good that she decided she was going to eat her lunch with the other professors rather than stay inside her office with McDonalds chips spread all around her bed.

Wearing a big smile and three layers of pink, she bounced into the Great Hall.

Yes.

_Bounced._

As in skipping.

However at the entrance she stopped in her tracks and her mouth hung open.

Replaced by her Educational Degrees was a picture of her beautiful, pink smiling face.

It wasn't her face that she was bothered by though.

It was the caption.

WANTED TOAD FOR IMPERSONATION OF HUMAN.

She stood there motionless for several seconds before letting out a very Mean Girl like scream and screamed all the way back to her office.

* * *

Dolores Umbridge was sitting in her office, just after all the classes had finished. She scowled as she could hear yelling of joyful students, celebrating their Friday night. She ignored it at first, but it got too much when they were still there at eleven. She opened the door suddenly to a corridor of students.

"WHAT EXACTLY do you think you are all doing out here? You curfew was half an hour ago!" she yelled at them.

"Please professor" squeaked a third year boy. "we cant go back to our dormitories, there's too many of them!"

"Too many of what?" Umbridge snapped.

"Frogs" said a fifth year girl. Umbridge raised her eyebrows.

"Frogs?"

"No, they're _toads_ Parvati" said a girl identical to the first.

All at once, there was much yelling amongst the students about house rivalry and whether it was a toad or frog.

"SHUT UP!" Umbridge eventually yelled. "You are all being ridiculous! Get out of this corridor at once, or I will report you all to your head of house!"

The students all looked around uncertainly, none of them moving. Umbridge rolled her eyes.

"Fine, if you are all really that scared, I will go just to prove-"

Umbridge stopped dead. As she had turned the corner, there were over three hundred toads sitting on the floor, croaking. This was not the most odd thing about this though. It was the fact they were carrying picket signs, all saying things like

_We love you Umbridge!_

_Queen of the toads!_

_Marry me, my love!_

_Be mine!_

_I'm your biggest fan!_

_I'll be yours forever!_

They were _toads._

Carrying _picket signs_.

Announcing their _love_ for her.

_Queen of the toads._

Umbridge turned back to the students, but as soon as she moved, the toads all came forward in a stampede, knocking her over.

She could hear the students screaming, and croaking, but her vision was obscured by thirty four toads on her body seemingly kissing her. _Do toads even have lips?, _Umbridge wondered as she screamed for help.

Eventually she saw some teachers run over.

"HELP! HELP!" She screamed. "THE TOADS ARE GETTING AWAY! GET THEM! IM DYING!"

However, all Professor McGonagall did was shake her head and tutted, in a very Umbridge-like manner.

"Dolores, did you try a simple repelling charm?" she asked, drawing out her wand and muttering the incarnation. All of the toads hopped off of Umbridge. She stood up, noticing she was covered in slime and a disgusting moss green colour of she didn't even want to know what.

"However, the enchantment for the toads itself is marvellous" said Professor Flitwick. "Fred and George Weasley, twenty points to Gryffindor each"


	4. Chapter 4

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N - Hi! Thank you all for your kind reviews (LunaNotLoony, Katnice and Guest). Ii would also like to thank LM Ryder the Batty Bat for pointing out my spelling mistakes. I always spell McGonagall wrong, I can never remember what it is! I will most likely repeat in the future, don't hesitate to tell me! I don't know why I had collage instead of colleague. I don't have a proper word, I have a processor which sucks as well as my auto correct. Its even more silly considering my parents, grandfather and myself put in money to buy the new fancy looks-like-but-not-a touch screen computer for school, but wont buy me word cause its too expensive. Enough rave. Also, I can definitely put some bats in with Snape, knew that would come up soon! Might be a little later in the story though! I'm watching DH Part 2 as I write this, me and my friend had a marathon Friday night but started it too late and finished the third movie at 2am. Its Sunday. Ok, on with the story. **

**Disclaimer – None of this belongs to me, I am borrowing JK Rowlings mind.**

**UPDATED 25/4/2015**

* * *

**Chapter Six: I will not draw on Umbridge's kittens**

It was Harry's third detention of the week with Umbridge. His hand stung and he hated Umbridge more than ever before, just sitting there, sipping her tea, smiling at him like he was the luckiest boy on the planet earth.

As Harry wrote his lines, painstakingly trying to keep his mouth shut, there was a knock at the door and a little second year girl walked into Umbridge's office holding a piece of parchment.

Harry stopped writing to see what she wanted.

"Continue writing Mr Potter" Umbridge said sweetly. "What is it Miss Leawe?" she asked the girl.

"A note from Professor Flitwick, miss" the girl said in an oddly fake confident voice. Umbridge took the note and read it, her eyebrows knitting closer and closer together as she read. She glared at the parchment and then turned to Harry.

"I will be back in twenty minutes at the most, Potter. Keep on with your lines, or I shall make it double. Miss Leawe, show me the way"

The two of them walked out the door, it shutting behind them. Harry stopped his lines at once, slamming the quill down on the table. He got up and looked out the window to see the Gryffindor Quidditch team practicing.

As Ron missed his catch, Harry swore and one of the cats on the plates meowed loudly. Harry glared at the plate. He didn't particularly like cats, he didn't mind Crookshanks so much after third year, but wouldn't be particularly sad if something happened to him.

Looking at the blood quill on the table, Harry grinned.

He picked up one of Umbridge's regular ink quills and dipped it in permanent ink. He took it towards the kitten that meowed and gave it a moustache and mono brow.

He did the same to the other cats, drawing the Dark Mark on one of them and just other silly things on them.

But all too soon, Umbridge walked in.

"Potter what are you-" she stopped in the middle of her sentence and looked around her kittens and her mouth fell open.

"My… My babies!" and she fainted.

Harry looked at her for a second. He considered getting help, but then shrugged and drew on her face. Glasses, a scar and dark mark on her left arm.

He wished he had a camera.

"Professor Umbridge-" Professor Flitwick walked in and then saw Umbridge on the ground, ink all over her, the cats with moustaches and then Harry with a totally unsuspicious quill in his hand.

"That's some nice art Mr Potter" he said approvingly. "Twenty points to Gryffindor"

* * *

Dolores Umbridge had only been at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for a considerably short time, but was already seriously considering resignation. As soon as she got out of the hellhole she was going to pass a physical punishment law in the school.

Today however, she felt even worse. She was seeing things.

Every time she turned a corner, she felt like she was being watched.

But whenever she turned around there was nothing there. And the more frequently she did it, she started to get water squirted at her. It just started as a little puddle at her feet, to now a jet of water splashed in her face.

This wasn't a subtle little prank from a student; it was a quite obvious statement. But still, there was nothing there.

The fifth time Umbridge turned around after being jet squirted in the face, she screamed.

It looked like a ghost who had covered themselves in foundation and blush completely, raided a strip club and had makeup all over its face.

The thing screamed as it saw Umbridge.

"OH MY GOD!" It yelled in a silly high pitched, yet definitely male voice. "ITS EVEN MORE HIDEOUS UP CLOSE!"

Then it ran through a wall.

Umbridge stared, and then fainted.

Peeves, however smirked on the other side of the wall, and floated back.

"Ooooh, looks like itty witty bitchy witch has had a wittle too much to drink?" He cackled evilly, while levitating the professor up.

Upon seeing their floating teacher, a few students had gathered around the odd pair, wondering if it was even possible for the poltergeist to use magic.

"What are you all looking at? Peeves shouted, sounding oddly serious. "Don't do drugs kids!" then let Umbridge fall to the floor as he floated away, cursing knowing all those kids had seen him in drag.


	5. Chapter 5

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N - I am a horrible person! I haven't written for weeks, months, and all the while, I am getting more and more reviews from you lovely people! I am so so so so sorry about this delay and hope it won't happen again. In case I don't post today I'm writing this on the 21/8/14. OH, and I watched A Very Potter Musical, Sequel and Senior Year. AMAZING! My fave character by far is Draco! They are three hours each but totally worth it! I recommend watching it and may put some of it into this story.**

** .9 - I would be honored! Of course you can translate it! I'll look out for it **

**IMPORTANT: This is the request (I don't know who, it's not there anymore, but say if it's yours) and therefore, with as many requests as I have, I am suspending them from now until further notice, BUT I will be doing the ones already submitted from this date.**

**NOTE: This includes dialogue used in AVPM, AVPS and AVPSY, which all belong to Starkid.**

**Disclaimer – Why was I not doing these in the first place? Arrrgh! Still don't own Harry Potter.**

**UPDATED 25/4/2015**

* * *

**Chapter Eight: I will not forge a love letter from Umbridge and send it to the Dark Lord, and I will (NOT?) send a picture of said toad in a revealing (near nude outfit) to the Dark Lord.**

Fred and George Weasley were pretty sure this prank was either going to be a Hogwarts legend, or on their expulsion letter.

Unfortunately, it wasn't going to go off at all unless they stopped fighting. Yes the twins fought. They are still siblings, albeit close ones.

"Why should I do it?" George snapped at his twin. "You do it"

"No, you! If one of us is caught we'll die. If not by Umbridge, mum!" The twins exchanged horrified looks, knowing of Molly Weasley's wrath having her as their mother.

"Ok, let's go together. One, two, three" both the twins walked down the hall, Fred looking out while George held a wrapped package delicately, looking scared. At Umbridge's office, they carefully laid it down and Fred knocked on the door.

At that, they both sprinted down the other end of the hall.

At the same time the twins disappeared around the corner, Umbridge's office door opened and the toad stepped out. Looking down she saw the parcel and sniffed it curiously.

"Doesn't seem to be poisonous" then she kicked it violently and covered her face with her hands and lifted up her leg to protect her body for a few manic seconds then returned to normal. "Or explosive"

"Hmmm" she picked it up and plucked out the note on top.

"_Dear Umbridge, I think you are beautiful and deserve to feel it. Don't hide behind all those bulky pink clothes! I hope you like these gifts. Take pics_"

She looked at the package curiously and then walked inside pondering the gift.

* * *

Lord Voldemort was considered to be a very evil person by most people's standards. He murdered, tore families apart and was Most Wanted. What people didn't know was that he was a human being and had… needs.

His monthly subscription to PlayBoy was nearly over and needed some more things to keep him occupied. Just as he was looking at a picture of a tall red haired (dyed) Asian girl completely naked, only her hands obscuring her breasts, an owl flew in to his bedroom window.

Yes Lord Voldemort has a bedroom. It doesn't really come to mind when reading the books, does it?

It dropped down a letter and some wrapped items. Voldemort picked up the letter and started to read.

_Dear LV. _

_It's a lovely name isn't it? LV, standing for Lord Voldemort and Lover. Oh, but it does. I know you don't think so, but hear me out. I love you Tom Fel- Riddle. If you prefer not to be called that then I will yield. We'll just have to settle for Bubbyhoochkins then won't we? Now, this letter doesn't tell you much about me, but I have taken some quite appealing pictures of myself. Enjoy!_

_Sincerely, PinkCardigan._

There was another on the back.

_Eh, PinkCardigan, quite a handful isn't she? No matter, LV. Our names are Red and Orange to protect us in case you try to murder us. Anyway, Orange is writing and I hope you find PinkCardigan quite the looker. We gave her the so called 'clothes' as a gift that you will both appreciate, I'm sure._

_Well, enjoy._

_Signed, Red and Orange._

Voldemort threw the letters away angrily and then turned to the pictures… and melted.

She was beautiful. Voldmeort immediately got up and cancelled his subscription to PlayBoy. He turned back to the pictures.

She had short brown hair, melted chocolate coloured eyes and was wearing a pink one piece fabric. The straps were at the back and continued along to the front, completely transparent except for her nipples which were covered in a thicker fabric. It went down transparent to her legs which were also blacked out.

Voldemort pulled out his quill.

_Can I subscribe?_

* * *

**A/N haha, hope you liked it! It was certainly fun to write! **


	6. Chapter 6

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N - Sorry, I'm so late, AGAIN! Oh well, I suppose you're used to it by now right? I have had so many mental blanks and finally came up with this! **

**WARNING: This contains sexual references, and mentions rape. If you are uncomfortable with this, skip to the bottom part of this chapter.**

**NOTES: This chapter is a little different as most of it is in the form of characters writing. Also, look out for Starkid references**

**Disclaimer - I do not own the Harry Potter book, movie or parody musical series **

**UPDATED 25/4/2015**

* * *

**Chapter Nine: I will not open up a Hogwarts Chat room**

Albus Dumbledore was a very highly respected, albeit slightly man wizard in the wizarding world. Although he was considered intelligent, Dumbledore did not have much in the way of common sense. So when he heard two muggle borns talking about a brand new 'non-muggle-computer-inter-house-and-years-chat-room', he was determined to find out what they meant by this and opened up his brand new apple laptop.

**INTER-HOGWARTS CHATROOM**

**CREATED BY FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY**

**YOU'RE WELCOME**

**SIGN UP SHEET**

**NAME:**

**HOGWARTS STATUS: STUDENT/TEACHER/OTHER_**

**YEAR/AGE:**

**USERNAME:**

Once Dumbledore signed up, he was given a choice of Chat rooms.

**STAFFROOM**

**INTER-STUDENT ROOM**

**PRIVATE MESSAGING**

Clicking on inter-student room, a large amount of usernames showed up at the top of the page.

**Online: FredCreatedHogwartsChatRoom, GeorgeCreatedHogwartsChatRoom, VoldemortISBack, RonGryffindor, HermioneGranger, MyFatherWillHearAboutThis**

Seeing it as a blank page, Dumbledore started to type.

**HEADMASTER HAS JOINED THE CHAT ROOM**

**Headmaster: **Hello Students. Isn't this a marvellous creation. Well done Mr and Mr Weasley.

**FredCreatedHogwartsChatRoom: **Thank you HEADMASTER

**GeorgeCreatedHogwartsChatroom: **Thanks HEADMASTER

**MyFatherWillHearAboutThis: **I don't understand how you did it though FREDCREATEDHOGWARTSCHATROOM GEORGECREATEDHOGWARTSCHATROOM

**HermioneGranger: **It seems simple enough. All you need is a group of inter connected computers in a close wifi range with the same program downloaded on every computer which will connect them to each other. As for the magic problem, all you would have to do is take off the anti-muggle charm and muggle products will work around magic because it is connected to wifi. To keep away the muggles, you would only need to cast a few anti muggle charms in important places such as the Quidditch pitch and common rooms.

**FredCreatedHogwartsChatRoom: **Actually all we did was put an anti muggle charm on the computers and it transformed into a wizard object. By doing the same to the closest modems we can access wifi easily. HERMIONEGRANGER

**MyFatherWillHearAboutThis: **PWNED Granger HERMIONEGRANGER

**VoldemortISBack: **Not everything is as complicated as it seems, Hermione HERMIONEGRANGER

**HermioneGranger: **Ooh shut up MYFATHERWILLHEARABOUTTHIS THEBOYWHOLIVED

**UMBRIDGE HAS JOINED THE CHAT ROOM **

**UMBRIDGE: **THIS WAS NOT AUTHORISED! EDUCATIONAL DEGREE NUMBER 237575984 SAYS THAT WIZARDS INSIDE OF HOGWARTS MAY NOT MEDDLE WITH ANYTHING MUGGLE!

**RonGryffindor: **Well Educational Degree number 34458 says that no parties are permitted inside the castle, number 1234 says boys and girls aren't allowed within eight inches of each other and number 783747 says no alcohol is permitted on the grounds, and clearly no one listens to them

**UMBRIDGE: **ALL OF YOU DENTENTION!

**MyFatherWillHearAboutThis: **See my username.

* * *

Lord Voldemort's Diary

**September 1****st**** 1995**

Dear diary - shit. Journal.

My dear slave Alecto (I think that's his/her name anyway) gave me you after he/she hear of me losing my old one to Potter, and assured me that he/she would kill him whenever they got the chance, so I tortured him/her. All the Death Eaters should know by now that I will be the one to kill Harry Potter.

**September 3****rd**** 1995**

Dear diary,

Today I - oh shit. It's a journal. NOT a diary. Let me start again. Today Severus complimented me on my latest hairdo. Was very pleased and gave him a snickers bar. I hate them anyway. Now, complimenting me on my hairdo sounds like a cruel thing to say as I am, in fact, bald. BUT I have recently acquired some muggle accessories called 'wigs'. The one Severus complimented me on was a large afro with red, green and yellow colours in them. I quite like them.

**September 5****th**** 1995**

Dear journal,

Hey. I did it. Journal! Ok, anyway, it was Wormtails' birthday today and Lucius Malfoy bought fire whiskey and Yaxley bought some strippers along. I think they were a bit frightened though, so I tortured them and then Scabior had raped their unconscious bodies. That man will have sex with anything, it is quite disgusting so I tortured him afterwards for that embarrassingly small penis. I can boast mine is quite a few centimeters longer than his.

**September 9****th**** 1995 **

Dear diary…. I NEARLY DID IT! FUCKING DIARY - erm journal.

So, I am lacking Death Eaters due to my unfortunate habit of murder. I really ought to work on that. Anyway, so I had a few interviews and met with a right old chap named Ollie Chestnut. Was very polite and bought me lovely purple flowers on his way to the interview. Complimented me on my latest wig (hip length and electric blue), showed me his used condom collection and the pubic hair of every woman to stay in his house overnight. He told me it included of all of the woman he had ever slept with, and practically all his family members. He is an interesting man.

**2am September 9****th**** 1995**

I have kicked out Ollie after he requested to stay at the HQ and then tried to steal some of my pubic hairs. Was very shocked to wake up to see a man between my legs.

**September 11****th**** 1995**

I bought back Ollie. I may have overreacted. It is just a hobby.

**Septemeber 12****th**** 1995**

Ollie left the HQ for about an hour and came back with a pizza from Domino's, an iPhone 6+, a prostitute and a clown. All for me, he said. Am v. touched.

**September 15****th**** 1995**

Went downstairs for breakfast and saw Ollie doing unspeakable things with the muggle prostitute from the other day. Apparently he has feeling for her. Because he is such a good slave, I allowed for him to keep her. We have named her Brenda.

**September 16****th**** 1995**

Ollie woke me up last night screaming in my face about how it was all my fault. When I asked what, he burst into tears and told me Brenda ran away. Comforted him and told him we would go out and buy a cat later. I have a feeling Potter was seeing into my mind while he slept, so me and Ollie decided to call our new tabby cat Harry.

**September 20****th**** 1995**

I have found out about some new prophecy the OOTP has been guarding at the Ministry of Magic. I told Lucius to find out what it is. His problem now.

**September 22****nd**** 1995**

Remember how I told you Potter could see into my mind? Well I tried to do the same to him…

_*Flashback*_

_Voldemort had done it, he was there! But… what was he looking at? Then he saw a lot of ginger hair in front of him. Voldemort wondered if Harry collected his friends hairs like Ollie, but then saw it was connected to a head as the ginger boy turned around. _

"_Do you get this?" he asked, his face worried. Voldemort felt his head shake._

"_No idea" he said, his voice sounding deeper than what it normally was._

_Wait. Did that mean his voice was high?!_

_No, no, the boy was fifteen, his voice must have been changing…..._

_Voldmort's voice was higher than a fifteen year olds._

_*end flashback*_

I know right! It's so unfair! I hate Potter, he's even hotter than me as well!


	7. Chapter 7

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N - SORRY!**

**Disclaimer - Meh. JK Rowling would probably have something better to say.**

**UPDATED 25/4/2015**

* * *

**Chapter Eleven - Harry Really Wishes The Plan Went Better**

Harry wasn't quite sure how it had happened, but it had.

The plan had been simple. All they had wanted to do was banish Umbridge from Hogwarts to the Death Eaters hideout. Now Harry wished that they had never tried to do it.

It didn't matter how it had happened though, because somehow Harry Potter had ended up in the Death Eaters hideout. To be honest, it was way nicer than what he thought it would be.

It was large, pretty modern and the hallway was dotted with paintings of people being tortured in various ways, magic and muggle. Of course, Harry hadn't gotten past this hallway for fear of being killed on sight, but his first impression of the house was that it was cosy and new (the wall on his right was in the process of being painted royal purple).

"MY LORD! I HAVE THE PEACHES AND ONIONS YOU WANTED!" Harry jumped and turned to see Lucius Malfoy, of all people, carrying a grocery bag and wearing a muggle T-shirt and jeans with his long hair tied back in a pony tail. "NOW WE CAN MAKE OUR FAMOUS PEACH AND ONION CUPCAKES FOR THE BEST CUPCAKE COMPETITION!" Lucius beamed with pride as he yelled this. "I ASSURE YOU, MY LORD, WE WILL WIN AND BEAT OLD LADY FRAGTON THIS YEAR!"

But finally, Lucius had noticed Harry. "Oh!" he said, sounding surprised. "I… um… I-" and with that he bolted out of the hallway screaming like a little girl.

"WHERE ARE MY MIDNIGHT SKY ROBES!" He screamed, running around the house. Harry decided that he might as well leave the hallway, so he turned to the room directly to his left and found himself in a sitting room with a plasma TV hung up on the wall.

There were several black loveseats placed facing the TV, separate from the armchairs surrounding a fireplace. No one was in the room, but it adjoined to what appeared to be the dining room, with an eight seater wooden table and a bar stool.

Seated at the bar was none other than Severus Snape and Bellatrix Lestrange, both wearing muggle clothing.

Snape was wearing a white button up shirt and tight black skinny jeans (Harry shuddered) and Bellatrix was wearing a blood red, expensive looking dress with matching heels.

"What is he squealing about?" Bellatrix asked, sounding bored.

"Another wardrobe crisis" Snape said solemnly. "You know Avery keeps setting his wardrobe on fire" Bellatrix tutted.

"If he does that again, I'm going to sit on him" she looked down at her dress. "Then torture him, because this belongs to Kim Kardashian and it'll crinkle" she added thoughtfully. Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Sev, which looks better?" Harry recognised the man immediately, and started to back away. It was Lord Voldemort himself. His slitted red cat eyes, his flat nose and thin lips and…. A blue coloured robe and a green feather boa… "Blue boa or no boa?" Voldemort asked, posing. Poor Harry could see no more, as the awful sight had… No… He had just shut his eyes. He was fine.

Physically.

"I'm gonna go with no nothing" Snape said.

"So everything?" Voldemort said happily. "I'm so happy you agree!" he sounded almost giddy. "Lucius just ran upstairs screaming, he's putting on his 'Were-Going-To-Destroy-Your-Home-And-Rip-Out-Your-Intestines-Afterwards robes. I have no idea why…"

His gaze shifted and Harry realised he had been spotted. Not that he and been hiding. Just kinda standing there, watching the Death Eaters who wanted to kill him drink coffee and colour coordinate.

"Harry Potter" Voldemort said coolly. Harry had to give him credit, he was wearing a dress.

"Um… Hi" he said awkwardly. "I _love_ your dress" he added in that girly tone he heard Ginny frequently adopted while discussing clothes. "The blue boa really brings out your eyes"

To his surprise, Voldemort grinned.

"Thank you Potter! You see Sev, Bella! Even my arch enemy thinks I am hot! Don't you?" he added to Harry, who nodded.

"Dashing" he agreed.

"You know" Voldemort sounded thinkitive. "Potter would make a good minion!"

"What?" Snape asked flatly.

"He will be good for us!" exclaimed Voldemort and bounded up to Harry. "You can help us! It'll be so fun! We don't just murder and torture you know!" he added. "We have fashion contests, we steal from celebrities" Harry glanced at Bellatrix in Kim Kardashian's red dress. "We celebrate each other's birthdays, we decorate and we have arts and crafts parties to decorate and/or design our 'Were-Going-To-Destroy-Your-Home-And-Rip-Out-Your-Intestines-Afterwards' outfit!"

Harry glanced at Voldemort horrified.

"Hmmm. But we can't have a minion called Harry Potter, that's boring. Ideas?" he turned to Snape and Bellatrix.

"Evil?" Bellatrix suggested.

"No" said Voldemort. "I KNOW! Let's make another anagram!" Harry wanted to die.

"H-A-R-R-Y J-A-M-E-S P-O-T-T-E-R. Hmmm. Raj Yapter. Yes, that works!"

"Raj is so common" Snape pointed out.

"Hmmm" Voldemort pondered. He seemed to be doing that a lot. "Ok. How about Jarey. Rhymes with Garry. Jarey"

"Does that have one or two R's" Harry asked, surprising even himself. _WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! _His brain screamed at him.

"Let's make it two" said Voldemort.

"So that Jarrey Yapter. That leaves H, M, S, P, O and T" said Bellatrix. "We should incorporate that in"

"Or come up with a new one?" Snape suggested. "That one is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lame!"

"Ok then" Voldemort said and then performed the loud and screechy voice spell thing. "MINIONS! WHOEVER CAN COME UP WITH A NAME ANAGRAM FOR HARRY JAMES POTTER WILL GET A VIRTUAL COOKIE AND AN UPDATE DEDICATED TO THEM! YOU HAVE UNTIL I DECIDE TO WRITE AGAIN!"

* * *

**A/N - Get working on that anagram because the savior of the wizarding world IS NOT Jarrey, or even Raj Yapter. Its 'INSERT YOUR ANAGRAM HERE' As usual, thanks for all the reviews, ILYSM!**


	8. Chapter 8

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N – So I had another (stupid) ending for this fanfic, but I'm going on with it, but don't be surprised if it gets abandoned a lot, I will never take this story down – I've said that before, but I love this story and just want to improve it. I hope you guys are still following.**

**Disclaimer – Yes, I am a billionaire author. Shame I didn't write this in the books. LOL, NOPE.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Fred and Hermione in a broom closet, A-R-G-U-I-N-G**

Once again, the sixo was reunited, this time in the fourth floor corridor, again _discussing_ ways to drive their least favourite teacher insane.

"She's only been here a couple of weeks and we're already close" Harry said excitedly.

"She won't leave easily though, she's determined" said Lee, ever the downer.

"Shush, Lee," George said, "a few more big pranks and she'll be out before you can say 'expelled'"

The others stared at him for his wildly contradicting sentence.

"What can we do next then, and when?" Ron asked the group at large.

"I have an idea" Fred said. "It involves Snape, bats and centaurs"

"Oh god" Hermione groaned, but listened in nevertheless.

"See, we can break into pairs, one pair will discuss a pact with the centaurs and then let them into the castle. Another pair will collect the bats-"

"Bats?" Harry had raised an eyebrow, confuzzled.

"Yes, bats" George said, as if it were the most ordinary thing ever, like 'then we shall bake the eggs in the microwave' (it was a normal thing to say in the wizarding world anyway), "from Charlie, they get a load of them in Romania"

"Do they?" Ron whispered, and Hermione shaking her head with 'no idea'.

"So," Fred continued, "The second pair shall collect the bats and discreetly place them in Umbridge's office"

"Discreetly?"

"Shove them through the window" George offered.

"As I was saying" Fred said, slightly annoyed that his every sentence was being interrupted, "While the second pair locks the window, so that Umbridge can't escape-"

"Umbridge will be inside?" Ron asked stupidly.

"Escape out the window?" Hermione said dryly.

Fred glared at them all. "Shut up and let me finish. So, the second pair locks the window – you'll be on brooms, in case you didn't catch on – while they are doing that, the first pair will be leading centaurs to guard the outside of Umbridges office – you know she hates half breeds – and then finally, the third pair will be running to Snape to alert him of all of this, lead him straight into the centaurs and then leave him to die by hiding in one of the many secret hidden passageways, conveniently located on the same floor as Umbridge's office"

Before Hermione or Lee could protests, the others quickly agreed.

"Excellent! Now for pairs!" Fred announced.

"I am already quite acquainted with the centaurs, so I can go in the first pair" George offered.

"I know a centaur, he can help us, so I'll go with George" Harry said.

"Excellent!" Fred said, "who wants to get the bats?"

"I'll go, it'll be good to see Charlie" Ron raised his hand. Fred nodded.

"I'll go with Ron, I love riding a broom, and bats are awesome, my cousin Jack- never mind"

"Okay, so that leaves me and 'Mione!" Fred beamed at his partner.

Hermione sighed. "I suppose our jobs the easiest…"

"That's the spirit!" Fred high-fived her, without even waiting for her to lift her arm.

* * *

It was that Friday night that the sixo decided to conduct their prank; George and Harry had been to the centaurs beforehand and had them ready at the gates; Ron and Lee were in the Astronomy Tower awaiting Charlie Weasley with the shipment of bats; and lastly, Hermione and Fred were stationed, hidden in a broom cupboard ideally located halfway between Snape's office in the dungeons, and Umbridge's office upstairs. Specifically, the second floor corridor.

"What's our signal then?" Hermione asked the older boy.

"Your DA coins" Fred replied. "George and I duplicated them and charmed them so that the message will only be received by the six of us"

Hermione opened her mouth, and then shut it again. "That's actually very clever"

Fred shrugged. "We copied your idea; we just added a little more magic. You're the real genius" Hermione flushed, but thankfully Fred couldn't see her as the cupboard was black.

"Even so. I would have thought you too would get much higher marks in your OWLs" she told Fred, who shrugged.

"That required study, and study required time, and time is required for pranks. George and I decided we didn't need some old hag to tell us what we are and aren't good at. We do have skills, just not academical ones" he shrugged.

"Hmm" Hermione responded absentminded.

"Hey! I think that's our signal" Fred said, looking down at the galleon glowed red, heating up.

Hermione nodded, and carefully opened the door.

Except.

"It's stuck!" she hissed, pulling on the doorknob.

"What?" Fred snapped. He rushed to Hermione's side and the yanked on the door. "Shit!" he hissed.

They both frantically tugged on the door, when they heard a yell-

"ARE THOSE CENTAURS!?" It was Snape.

Fred swore violently. "It's Snape! If he sees them, it's all over!"

They desperately tried to open the door when-

"YOU DARE INSULT OUR SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE? IDIOT HUMANS!"

Fred and Hermione stared at each other in the closet.

"What do we do now?" Hermione asked weakly.

"I'll send out the 'abandon' signal" Fred said. "Stupid closet"

"You knew this was going to happen?" Hermione shrieked.

"I've been sucked into this closet a hundred times" Fred said, rolling his eyes. "OW!" He shouted as Hermione hit him.

"Why didn't you tell me about this before!?" Hermione snapped.

"It doesn't do this all the time!" Fred snapped back. "And it was conveniently located"

"Oh yes, very convenient!" Hermione half-shouted.

"Stop yelling at me, you're not going to get any good ideas out of me by yelling!"

"You're yelling at me!"

"Shut up!"

"It's your fault we're stuck in this bloody cupboard!"

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS!?" They heard Snape shout again. The two winced.

"We're going to get detention for the rest of the year" Fred complained. Hermione whimpered.

"Really?"

Fred realised his mistake immediately. "If we get caught" he reassured her. "I'm sure the other four won't be stupid enough to-"

"WEASLEY!" Snape roared.

"Okay then" Fred tried to laugh it off. "Hopefully they won't give us away. Plus, it's really difficult to open this door, inside or out"

Hermione glared at him, and then moaned.

"I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse"

Fred shrugged. "Sorry" he said genuinely. Hermione smiled up at him. _He's so tall_, she thought. _Not taller than Ron, but still taller than me. I hate being short_.

"It's fine" she said. "This isn't so bad" At that, she promptly got to her knees, and sat on the floor.

"Getting comfortable?" Fred smirked. Hermione stuck her tongue out at him.

"Childish, aren't we?"

"I'm childish?" Hermione frowned.

Fred rolled his eyes and sat down next to her.

"So, your first failed prank" Hermione said. Fred shrugged.

"No, not really. George and I have gone through many failed pranks that we've revaluated many times to perfect. I'm sure this prank can't be redone though"

"Shame. I think this was just too large though"

Fred nodded. "Perhaps you're right"

"I'm always right" Hermione said cheekily.

"Modest much, miss Granger?" Fred nudged her in the side. Hermione shook her head.

"No one seems to care, is all" Fred frowned at this comment.

"What do you mean?"

Hermione smiled sadly. "No one likes a know-it-all. I learnt that quickly, especially after meeting Harry and Ron"

"Ah, so this is you toned down, is it?" Fred teased, trying to lighten the subject.

Hermione was just about to respond when –

"Weasley! Granger! Detention for the next month!"

Fred swore.

* * *

**A/N – Yay, the Fremione is finally coming into the picture! Please review!**

**I got a jar full of dirt – Thank you so much! I love that you love it, lol. I can understand why you were a bit sceptical, the start is a little shaky. I'm sure Lucius would love your choice of words, maybe I could set you two up somewhere ;) I'm glad I made you laugh, and yes, you guessed it, I make the wigs myself. Lots of time and dedication gone into that.**

_**RECENT REVIEWS**_

**ShadowstheWarrior45 – Ah, yes, scaring siblings with your psychotic fits of laughter is a fun pastime for me as well. Glad you find this funny, I love writing it**

**a fanfictioner – oh, I hope you're okay. I'll dial an ambulance. Don't sue me, I didn't mean to kill you. Please be more careful next time, okay? **

_**REVIEWS FROM A LONG TIME AGO THAT I AM RE-ANSWERING SORRY THIS TAKES SO LONG, SCROLL IF YOU DIDN'T REVIEW!**_

**Thedarklordsfavouritedungeonbat – yes, I need to get on reading THG, glad I'm not the only latecomer!**

**HenriaSownbinder – I'm continuing this story, hope you're still reading! Pleased you enjoyed it! Oh, look another one. Thank you so much for your kind words! Yes, I changed some of the chatroom names to better suit them, you bought that to my attention, thank you! Your review was so enthusiastic, thank you so much, you made my day **


	9. Chapter 9

200 Things I'm not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N – Hi! I'm sorry that I've taken so long to update, again, but you guys know that I'm quality, not quantity. I hope you all know that whatever chapter I post, is the one I'm up to. Now, this chapter unfortunately does not include a prank and is more of a filler than I would like. Sorry, but I'm building up for the Fremione. Please review if you would like this to become more romantic, as I want it more on the side than being the sole focus or not at all.**

**Disclaimer – Nah, I'm not JK Rowling. #beinglazy**

* * *

**Chapter Nine: DETENTION-(S)?**

Fred and Hermione's detention was to take place on the Sunday, cleaning Snape's storeroom. They were clearly estatic.

"It's midday, Fred" Lee told the twins as they laid on their bed reading random magazines they had found under their beds. "Time for your detention with Granger, right?"

Fred groaned. "Cleaning Snape's storeroom. He's probably going to turn up with something acidic we'll spill all over ourselves"

"At least Hermione will be there" Lee offered. Fred and George raised their eyebrows at him. It was a little scary to identical twins with the same look of disbelief written on their faces.

"Clearly you haven't spent two summers with her" George said. "She'll spend the whole time going off at Fred for getting her detention, although" George looked thoughtful. "She's kind of hot when she's angry. I wouldn't mind"

"What?!" Fred spluttered. "You know we're talking about Miss-Prefect, right?"

George shrugged. "Have you seen her though, Fred? Her hairs calmed a bit, more curly than frizz these days, she's small but has curves, and her tits-"

"Please stop" Lee asked modestly. He didn't know Hermione as well as the twins, and it felt wrong to be discussing her like that.

"Yes, please" Fred agreed, glaring at him twin.

"What?"

"She's sixteen!" Fred snapped, suddenly annoyed.

"She's only a year younger than us, Freddie"

The twins glared at each other, in the middle of a rare argument.

"Er, Fred, you should probably go" Lee said awkwardly. Fred snapped his eyes away from George and nodded at Lee, standing up.

"Twat" Fred called out to George as he left the room. He was seething, but he didn't know why. As he walked down the stairs to the common room, he got less and less angry at George, and more at himself.

Why did he care if George liked Hermione? They (Hermione and himself) were hardly close, except for the time that they were stuck in the broom cupboard.

The time they were now serving detention for.

Of course Fred couldn't argue that Hermione wasn't attractive, but he didn't like the way that George spoke about her.

But they spoke about every girl like that; the twins were less warm boyfriends, more part-time occasional shags. But somehow, disrespecting Hermione like that felt wrong.

As he reached the common room, he saw Harry and Ron lounging on the sofas talking, Hermione nowhere in sight.

"Oi, arseholes, where's Granger?" Fred shouted at them, ignoring the fact that everyone was looking at him now, some stunned that he would dare to swear at the so-called-creepy-lying-attention-seeking-Potter-brat.

"She already left, Fred" was the only reaction Harry gave though.

Fred sighed and left out the portrait into the cold castle. The walk to Snape's storeroom was uneventful except for the growing hate Fred grew for the teacher – although, he supposed that this time the detention was deserved.

"Weasley, you're three minutes late" the bat said as Fred approached the professor and Hermione. He took in her clothing; the weather was cold, so she was wearing blue muggle jeans (skinny, he suspected. No jeans he owned were that tight), a short-sleeved top that read PARIS and a white cotton jacket with ordinary trainers on her feet.

"Sorry" he replied tonelessly.

"You two will be taking out all of the supplies in the storeroom and then cleaning the shelves, without magic" Snape smirked.

We interrupt this story to give you the Snape Smirk TM, available at your nearest Smirk Store. The Snape Smirk gives you the look of an evil genious, that will make some people like you, and others hate you. Parade about town, smirking at people who will become instantly terrified. Rob your local Smile Store without anyone questioning you. SnapeSmirkIsNotReallySupportedByTheManWhoItWasInspiredBy, SeverusSnape. IfYouWereToInformHimOfThis, HeMaySmirkAtYou. SnapeSmirksAreNotAsEffectiveAsTheRealThing. SnapeSmirksAreNotAvailableAtSmileStores. SnapeSmirksAreOnly20GalleonsASmirk. SnapeSmilesAreNotAvailable. PleaseStopAsking. AskYourParentsFirst!

"Yay" Fred said under his breath. Apparently, Hermione heard, and shot a glare at him.

"I will come back for you at in four hours. If I am not satisfied with the state of the room, you will be coming back"

Fred groaned.

Snape shot them a silent look before walking away from them, leaving the two to clean.

"I suppose we ought to get started then" Hermione sighed, picking up a jar containing some murky green substance.

Fred squinted at the object, trying to figure out what it was – he had unlimited and authorised access to Snape's personal stores, he couldn't waste a chance to sneak a couple of possible ingredients for the joke shop.

Hermione frowned, scrutinising the object. "It looks like Ninewhoof, determinedly solid, but can be squelched down to a liquid. It's rarely used in potions that are drunk, as they are poisonous, but with the right concentration is able to be used in vaccinations. Wizards rarely use vaccinisations though, so it is generally only used in potions meant for plants. Snape isn't a herbologist though, so I wonder what he is using it for?"

"Maybe he's going to poison a student" Fred suggested. Hermione rolled her eyes at him, putting the jar on the rack Snape had supplied them with.

"Snape wouldn't poison a student" she told him. Fred grinned at her.

"You never know. Snape is Harry's go-to for blaming"

"Snape wouldn't hurt a student" Hermione repeated, although she was smiling now. Fred shrugged, but didn't continue the conversation.

They cleared out Snape's stores as quickly as they could, which still took them an hour.

"We haven't even begun to clean it properly yet" Fred complained.

"And then we have to put everything back" Hermione agreed, scrutinising a jar of pickles. "What on earth is he doing with _pickles_?"

Before Fred could respond at all, a loud voice inturrpted.

"How's detention, love?" George called out, winking at Hermione. Remembering he and George were arguing, Fred glared at his brother.

Hermione blushed, which Fred found deeply annoying. Why, he didn't know.

"Pretty boring, but not awful" Hermione admitted as George leaned against the wall.

"Here-" the twin took out his wand and muttered "_Scourgify_"

The mess was cleared instantly, and Fred could have kissed him.

Hermione, however, looked furious.

"What did you do that for! Snape's going to be terrible if he finds out!"

"He won't" George said, smiling. "Now ditch, and come with me"

Fred noticed that he wasn't included in Geoge's sentence; it felt awful to be excluded by his own twin, but somehow the fact that George was taking action in his apparent affection for Hermione was worse in Fred's mind.

However, she was shaking her head. "No. You shouldn't have done that"

George was still smiling though.

"C'mon, Hermione. It'll be fun"

"I'm not leaving George. I still need to restock the cupboard now. Take Fred instead, I'm sure he'll go"

Awkwardness lingered in the air, but Hermione didn't seem to notice.

"I'm not going to leave you to do this all on your lonesome" Fred said frostily, looking at George.

George glared at his brother and glanced at Hermione. "Alright then. I know when I'm not wanted"

Turning around, he left. Fred started to busy himself with the work, upset that George was acting so unlike himself, but Hermione was still staring after his twin.

"What, do you like him or something?" He suddenly snapped, incredibly annoyed with the world.

"No" Hermione replied simply, not shaken by his harsh tone at all. "But he seemed… Different"

Fred shook his head. "He's being an arse"

He continued working as Hermione was now looking at him.

"Are you two having a fight?"

Fred squinted up at her and replied sarcastically, "What was your first clue?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "You don't have to be such a jerk about it. I asked you a simple question. Just because you and George aren't speaking-"

"Just SHUT UP, okay!" Fred shouted, cutting her off.

Hermione looked both surprised and upset; it caught Fred off guard, but he was too hurt himself to say anything more.

The rest of the detention passed in silence.

* * *

**A/N – Replying to Reviews!**

**Guest One – Actually, I've overlooked this little fact, thank you for pointing out Malfoy and Zabini on the betting list. Let's just say with all the things going on, Umbridge isn't going to care about that little stint by the time the Inquisitorial Squad comes around.**

**Guest Two – This isn't a serious story, I don't expect everyone to like it, but you don't need to leave a negative review when there are clearly others who enjoy it.**

**Comic Critic – Pleased I pleased the critic! I will never abandon this story, but I can't promise there won't be large gaps between updates. Yes, Voldemort is a cross dresser ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

200 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N – Hi guys! I'm sorry that I've taken so long to update, but you know, life gets in the way. I've found some really cool merchandise just around the place and am super happy so I'm updating! It's really hard working on two stories at once, so I am going to wrap this one up soon.**

**Disclaimer – You still think I own Harry Potter? Yes? Then you're delusional.**

* * *

George Weasley was a little pissed. Hermione Granger had openly, and semi-publicly turned him down, entirely for his twin to see and ridicule him for.

It was also embarrassing to have a prank turned down. That had never happened to a Weasley twin before, and now he had let Fred down. George sighed, but he supposed that he might as well still continue on.

_The prank must go on_, he thought. Smiling, he started whistling while walking down the halls, knowing that he would be caught.

_And he was._

"Weasley! You're supposed to be serving me a detention with Miss Granger!" Snape shouted, announcing his presence. "Why are you not in my storeroom?"

"Professor, I'm not-"

But then George stopped, seeing how this could work in his favour.

"Why, I wanted to see you professor" he grinned, knowing exactly how to find a way to tease Fred the same way he would tease George. "You see, Granger and I have a problem"

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"And what might that be?"

George sighed. "You see professor, we tried and tried, but no matter how hard we tried, we could not get rid of it"

"Rid of what?" Snape asked apprehensively. George sighed.

"The grease sir. It's all over the floor. Granger has a theory that it's where you wring out your hair"

Snape's eyes widened. Didn't Weasley like his extremely handsome, greasy hair? He had a special conditioner that he used that made it especially slimy, but he rarely showered, so it was nice to know that the grease was working naturally.

"Why you insolent little cu-"

"Bad wordius!" George shouted, pointing his wand at Snape. "That's a really awful word, professor. You shouldn't have a mouth like that. Finniculiousnemosestitusreoneverieoisis!"

Snape's mouth suddenly shrivelled up to the size of a pea. "MHWAGU!" He shouted.

George shook his head. "Your mouth will start to swell again until it is at its normal size, but will reoccur every time you swear. Good day"

He bowed to Snape and then skipped away.

Snape tried to scream as the creature started running at him, but no sound came out.

* * *

"If Merlin and Father Christmas had a child… what would it be called? Fred asked randomly. Hermione looked up in surprise.

"I thought you were upset with me" it meant 'I thought we agreed not to talk to each other'.

"I'm sorry" Fred replied stiffly. It meant 'I wasn't mad at you'. "That I told you to shut up"

Hermione nodded. "No, that's understandable. People don't like it when I try to help" Fred frowned.

"What's that supposed to-"

"RAWR!" Snape screamed as he walked into the room, quite calmly. Hermione and Fred looked up, shocked and confused, but there was no evidence that Snape had made a sound, apart from the weird smile on his face. "It means I love you in dinosaur talk" he explained.

Fred and Hermione exchanged looks.

"Er, are you alright professor?" Hermione asked cautiously, placing her sponge on the ground and standing. Although Fred was upset, he couldn't pass up the opportunity to check out her arse.

"I am a lollipop, hear me SQUAWK!" They both jumped as Snape squawked at them. "SQUAWK! I AM A FLAMINGO! SQUAWK!"

Before another word could be said, Snape snapped his teeth at Hermione and Fred jumped to his feet.

"Incendio!" he shouted, not remembering he didn't have a wand and was simply pointing at Snape with his finger. Snape turned red.

"YUMMY OREOS UNDER A RED EMU IN BUFFALO INDIGO GEOMATRY!" Snape screamed.

"Oh" Fred frowned.

Hermione gasped. "He's speaking in code!" Fred turned to face her, confused.

"What?"

"I was reading a book about how some spells can affect the formation of words and can only be spelt out with letters… Let's see, what did he say again?"

Fred glanced at Snape, who seemed to be turning into a _real_ flamingo as he now only had one red leg.

"Er… I think it was something along the lines of 'yummy orals under a red vacuum in a cows purple geometry"

Hermione scrunched up her face, looking like a dead fish. "So that was… Y… O… U – You! A… R… V… I… A… C… P… G"

"You arviacpg?" Fred said, confused.

"It's possible that he meant to say 'in'" Hermione admitted sadly, upset her theory hadn't worked. "So that at least separates some letters…"

"You arv in acpg…"

"YUMMY OREOS UNDER A RED EMU IN BUFFALO INDIGO GEOMATRY!" Snape screamed again.

"Fred!" Hermione slapped him on the elbow he was trying to lick. "You messed up some letters! Yo – are! In… B I G… You are in big. That doesn't make sense though…"

Snape screamed. "I want my mummy! Whores!"

And suddenly, he pushed his Dark Mark and somewhere in the castle, Harry screamed because he had run the bath too hot. But it added to dramatic effect, so no one cared.

Voldemort had been summoned.

Fremione – _whoa_. Where did that come from? Fred shook his head. That was the stupidest thing he had ever heard. Who gave themselves… combined names? Who gave other people combined names? Who… coupled people with people?

Snape stopped, his eyes lingering on his mark. He slowly looked up at the two students.

"Oh fuck a pigeon" he muttered.

Fred and Hermione looked at each other simultaneously, before breaking into a run, wondering what would happen when Voldemort showed up.

"I MUST ALERT THE WIZARD OF OZ!" Snape screamed, still running.

* * *

Voldemort sighed, looking up from his Umbridge porn.

He glanced at his dark mark and groaned, wishing he had a muggle cell phone.

He stood up at apparated to the spot Severus Snape was standing – and-

_Boing!_

Wait. Where was he? He looked around at his surroundings and saw that he was at the edge of the Hogwarts boundaries, in his fuzzy pink slippers and dressing gown.

Oh, how could he have been so stupid! Obviously Snape was pressing the Dark Mark was an accident; he was a teacher/spy! Ugh, this was just like walking in on Pettigrew in the shower *shudder*.

Voldemort tapped the invisible bubble surrounding the castle cautiously, half expecting if to explode. But luckily, no explosion occurred.

Voldemort slowly smiled and evil smile. Now was his chance to kill Harry-

"Oof!"

He fell sideways as an unidentified flying object was thrown into his face. Groaning, Voldemort turned to the side and saw that it was a muggle Frisbee.

"It landed out by the bubble!" a voice shouted_. Centuars_, Voldemort thought.

* * *

George Weasley snickered as Severus Snape ran screaming throughout Hogwarts. It was quite a sight.

Especially with Ellie following him everywhere (the elephant). It was like a circus, except weirder and unplanned. _Completely _unplanned. Got it?

"And then he just screamed and the centaur's kept playing with their Frisbee! Can you believe that?" a third year girl was telling her friend.

Not wanting to miss this story, George listened in.

"No, I don't Eliza. Why on earth would You-Know-Who attack Hogwarts?"

"That's a stupid question" the boy on her right said.

"Shut up Dick"

"Hey!" George snapped. "That's rude! You can't say that, and besides, you're only, like, twelve"

"We're thirteen" the second girl sneered. #theconversationliterallyeverypersonhasatsomepoint.

"Oooh!" George smirked.

"Give it up Monica. He's an idiot"

"Okay, tell me less about You-Know-Who and more about that weird muggle Starkid thing…"

* * *

Snape finally made it to Dumbledore's office, but when he did, all Dumbledore did was nod understandingly and offered him a canary cream.

Voldemort ran away home, scarred for life, and a few snapshots of him were taken by a couple of centaurs and there were rumours that they had been sent to the Daily Prophet.

Fred and Hermione took the opportunity to sneak out of detention.

* * *

_You-Know-Who – Or _Do_ You?_

_You-Know-Who, formerly known as Tom Riddle, is known best for torturing muggles, his hatred of muggle-borns, half-bloods, half-breeds, other breeds, murder and his group of terrorists who have named themselves the Death Eaters. _

_These people seem like quite scary folk – but are they?_

_Last night, we received Polaroids from an anonymous source, featuring You-Know-Who in a fuzzy pink dressing gown and slippers. In these pictures you can clearly see that You-Know-Who has been hit by a muggle Frisbee and knocked out._

_In one, a centaur has taken a selfie with his maybe dead body, and in another, you can clearly see You-Know-Who's You-Know-What._

_In this image, we can clearly see that he does not have 'much' going for him, if you catch my drift. As You-Know-Who has been so openly exposed, we believe that he may be a misunderstood soul, and some explorers have even set out to find him, and teach him some basic social skills that he has previously lacked. _

_Personally, I believe that we have nothing to fear from this size-lacking dictator._

_Written by Wenda C. Journer_

* * *

**Replying To All Reviews!**

**BlazingFlames22 (c2) – I said 'sixo' on purpose, but thank you **

**Guest (c7) – Hehe, thank you! Hope you enjoyed this chappie!**

**Guest (c6) – Yep, most of the teachers are in agreeance! (is that a word?) I hope your cheekbones are okay!**


	11. Chapter 11

200 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N – Hi guys! As much as it saddens me to say this, I think this fic is over. It's been over a year, and I've already 'finished' it once, but I really want to get this over and done with now. I have two other fics that I really want to work on, and I'm not getting much inspiration from this. This is not the last chapter, but I have lost my files from a previous chapter, so this is a rewrite of Ollie, Voldemort's new Death Eater. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer – As much as I wish I did, I do not own the Potterverse.**

* * *

Voldemort moodily spun around in his spinny chair, unsure of what to do. Sure, he could go out a murder masses of muggles, but he had minions for that.

He sighed, wondering where all the fun had gone. Before Harry Potter, it was just about killing helpless people, having people beg at his mercy, and in doing that, also ridding the world of Mudbloods.

But then Harry Potter had been born, and suddenly Voldemort had tons of pressure placed upon his shoulders, forcing him to kill the boy – but he hadn't yet.

Voldemort frowned. It was the one thing he wanted to do on his own – kill Harry Potter. But he couldn't do even that. Sure, he had a lot of great servants – but it had been years since he had had a friend.

Voldemort stood up and made his way over to his bed, and laid his head upon his fluffy pink pillow, and just before he fell into a deep, evil slumber, he decided to go to the local newspaper the next day.

* * *

Greensdale Park seemed like a fairly ordinary muggle suburb just north of London – but it wasn't. Greensdale was a small town which was mainly populated with muggles, but had little wizards within it – except Greensdale Park. It was crawling with magical folk – dangerous magical folk.

They knew that killing the muggles in Greensdale would be far too suspicious, so they settled to just torturing them for release, using curses and occasionally rape to terrify the ordinary families, before casting a memory charm on them when they had released their anger. So for the most part, the muggles there were completely oblivious.

The Death Eater's in Greensdale Park owned muggle homes in suburban areas, which they loathed, but they mainly spent all of their time in Lord Voldemort's hidden mansion, invisible to all but those who possessed the Dark Mark, who could bring along others if needed.

Voldemort had named his mansion the 'Retreat' so that when the Death Eaters referred to it, it wouldn't be suspicious.

Greensdale residents hadn't the faintest clue about magic, and there were even dark wizards on their council. Consequently, they were able to access the Greensdale newspaper by tapping the middle page thrice, and repeating 'Master' thrice in three different sentences.

Voldemort wouldn't be so stupid to use seven.

So in the morning, Voldemort dressed in his best robes, murdered a little girl who said he was wearing a dress, alerted his Death Eaters for a mass memory charm, and arrived at the Greensdale newspaper building.

It was old, made mainly out of wood, and had three stories, only two visible to muggles. The third floor was the wizards department.

Voldemort chuckled. All of the data and records, and the ministry had never glanced at the small town twice.

"Excuse me, sir"

Voldemort turned. A petite girl was sitting at a desk, looking over some papers. "May I help you? You can't go back there without authorisation" she said, nodding towards the corridor leading into offices, and the elevator at the end.

Voldemort gave her a twisting smile that made her gulp.

"I assure you, I am plenty authorised. My name is Carter McWright. I am certain you will find me under your files"

The girl scanned the list of authorised workers.

"Do you have any ID?" she asked, finally.

Voldemort nodded, and pulled out a council ID. "I hope this shall suffice"

The girl nodded quickly. "I am sorry for the inconvenience. I am sure you understand I need to enforce the protocol though, Mr McWright"

Voldemort didn't answer her, but continued on. The wizards all used fake names in the town, knowing that if the ministry found anything remotely linked to them, they would be done for.

Entering the elevator, and tapping the up button twice with his wand, he shot up to the third level.

You could see the change instantly.

There were only two offices, and the other desks simply strewn around the room with paper stacked up on top of each other, looking chaotic. Several newspaper clippings featuring the dark arts, Harry Potter and Voldemort himself were hung on the wall along with several tester posters for future Undesirables.

Voldemort sighed contently.

"My Lord!" He looked down at a ratty looking man wearing gold chains around his neck, and was covered in black muggle tattoos. "I am honoured to be in your presence. May I help you?"

Voldemort sneered at him. "Get up. Now, you worthless worker"

Far from being offended, the newspaper worker looked delighted, and quickly got to his feet.

"What is your name?"

"Oscar, sir. But I go by Scar" Voldemort scoffed.

"Of course you do. Now, I want to see Mr Yoying"

Scar nodded enthusiastic.

"He is a busy man, my lord, but he will be thrilled to see you, your greatness blinds even the strongest of men"

Voldemort laughed. "Just show me which office it is, Oscar"

Scar turned red, and mumbled an answer.

"What?" Voldemort asked sharply. He mumbled again, and pointed towards the office on the right. He strode towards the office, and didn't bother knocking on the door.

"Hey! How many times to I have to tell you fucktards to- Oh!"

A thin man with balding hair stopped his rant as he saw just who he was shouting at.

"My lord! Oh, what an honour it is to-"

"Yes, yes, shut up" he responded, quite annoyed with the attention he was getting. "Now listen. I want to advertise"

* * *

_Do YOU Have what it Takes to be EVIL?_

_If you think you do, and wish to join the most evil band of wizards alive, contact our Dark Lord on 1800-DEATH. That's 1800- H._

_An interview will be scheduled with the Dark Lord himself._

_Half-breeds, non-wizards, half-bloods, Mudbloods and others with no crime history need not apply._

Ollie smiled down at the Evil Wizarding Paper happily. Maybe this would be his chance to become a true evil-dooer!

* * *

Voldemort wiped the remaining shit off of his robes. The previous interviewee had decided to demonstrate a new curse he had invented which involved never removing the smell of shit. Voldemort groaned as he crossed out yet another name from the list.

"Come in!" He yelled miserably.

A young man with a head full of jet black hair, white _white_ skin and purple eyes skipped into his office.

Voldemort didn't know what to say.

"Ollie Sixynines" he said helpfully, putting forth his hand.

Voldemort just looked at it.

"My middle name is Likesto," Ollie winked. "If you catch my drift, boo" wink wink.

"Er…" Voldemort replied awkwardly. "I guess that answers that question. How old are you?"

"Legally? Thirty seven. Actually? Twenty three. In the heart? Three"

Voldemort frowned and ticked _unknown_.

"Blood status?"

"I'm not completely sure. My mum was a bit of a whore, but she's a pureblood and doesn't remember ever being with anyone not pureblood. That being said, she's a cheap drunk"

Voldemort just stared at him for a moment.

"Alright. Um, why do you think you'd be a good Death Eater?"

Ollie shrugged. "Oh, I've had a lot of careers. I thought this could be fun"

Voldemort raised an eyebrow. "Being a Death Eater is not a career, boy. It's a lifestyle"

Ollie grinned. "Well I love life, and I love style!"

Voldemort just didn't know how to respond. At all. Except with more questions.

* * *

Voldemort burst into tears. He hadn't found a single suitable minion. Except maybe… no. no! He couldn't! Or could he…

"HELLOOOO!"

NO!

"Hi Ollie! It's spiffing to meet you, my name is Lucius!"

NO!

That insolent blonde piece of maggot feed!

"May I see _our_ Dark Lord?" he heard Ollie ask Lucius.

Voldemort was screaming on the inside.

"MY LORD!" A voice screamed in his ear. Maybe he was screaming on the outside too. "IT'S ME! OLLIE!"

Voldemort groaned and flung Ollie off of him.

"What on earth are you doing?" he roared, but in his sleepy voice so it sounded more like a yelp. Ollie laughed.

"Good ol' Lucy told me you were getting stressed about a new recruit, so he recruited me for you. Isn't that splendid?"

Voldemort felt like tearing his hair out and screaming at the Gods'.

"Now, what would you like me to do first? Murder a muggle? Kidnap a squib?"

Voldemort was speechless, but slightly annoyed as he realised that they had been pretty slack lately. "Well, um. As I need you in my inner circle, you will need to follow me around for the next few days"

Ollie's face stretched into a long, wide grin.

* * *

"AGGGGHHHH!" Voldemort screamed. Never in a million years, had a future inner-circle Death Eater done this.

He had been peacefully sleeping, before the snipping of scissors abruptly woke him. Then he found his nightie pulled up to his thighs, and Ollie between his legs.

"WHAT THE CODSWALLOP IS THIS?! ? ? !?" Voldemort screamed, furious. Ollie had the sense to look ashamed.

"Forgive me, my lord. This is for my collection"

"COLLECTION?!"

"Of pubes" Ollie replied calmly. "I have kept some of every person who has ever stayed the night with me. I have countless number of women, whose names I can't remember, although I recall some Claire's, Bella's and Gina's"

Voldemort turned red. "SO YOU WENT WITH ME NEXT!"

Ollie nodded. "I'm not going to sleep with you. I have my sister, nana's, mothers, fathers, two brothers, three of my nieces, two of my nephews, the Malfoy's-"

"ENOUGH!" Voldemort shrieked. "GET OUT OF MY BEDROOM!"

* * *

The next night wasn't as weird, but was certainly unpleasant.

"Meow"

"Geroff"

"_Me_ow"

"Wormtail…"

"MEOW"

"What – Ow! Bloody evil hallucinogenic- WHAT THE ACTUAL CUKF OLLIE?!"

Ollie had an evil smile on his face.

"I bought a cat!" he exclaimed.

"IT'S THREE AM!"

"I bought a cat!" Ollie repeated. Voldemort stared at him.

"Why the cukf did you buy a cat?"

"His name is Harry"

"Why?" Voldemort asked, his lack if a nose flaring.

"Why not?"

"That is my enemy's name, Ollie" Voldemort almost whispered.

Ollie's eyebrows knitted together. "Is it?"

"AVADA KENARVA!"

"MY PUBES!"

* * *

Harry gasped, sitting up in bed from the awful nightmare.

"So?" George asked excitedly, seated at the end of his bed.

"How was it?" Fred asked.

"Erm… I do not know a sufficient enough word to describe that"

Fred and George exchanged glances.

"Maybe we went too overboard"

* * *

**A/N – MWHAHAHAHA!**

**I have no idea why I did that. Oh well. I'm going on holiday interstate to Cairns (Queensland, Australia) and Port Douglas for two weeks so I won't have my laptop with me, and of the three places we are staying, only one (the last) has wifi, so I hope to come home to lots of reviews!**


	12. Chapter 12

200 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts

**A/N – So, after weeks of trying to find inspiration for a final chapter, I decided that I have hit a blank, and am therefore posting this, all from my original 200 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts on Wattpad. It is still posted there, but I have a larger audience here on ffn and do not post on there anymore. So, this is officially the final chapter, and thank all of you so much for following and favouriting and staying with me for two years or something. I hope that in the end of this story, my first to complete, you will also enjoy my new stories which I am waiting until the new year (2016) to post.**

**Without further ado, **

**Disclaimer – I do not own any part of the Harry Potter universe.**

* * *

_What Fred and George Weasley are not to Do at Hogwarts_

_By Molly Weasley_

_First Year_

1- I will not paste glue on all of the desks in the Transfiguration classroom especially not Professor McGonogalls desk

2- I will not charm my hair long and then braid it

3- I will not present Professor Sprout with a bouquet of daisies

4- I will then not claim I am a werewolf

5- Peeves is not to be encouraged

6- You are not to introduce him to any joke merchandise

7- Looking into Professor Snape's eyes will not make me burn

8- I will not convince Filch that Peeves has turned him invisible and none of us can see or hear him

9- Fred/George is not my clone

10- Percy is in fact related to you

11- Percy is not your brother from another mother

12- Nor your sister from another mister

13- You may not refer to Charlie as Your Highness/Majesty/King/Queen

14- Your mother is not a 'serious lunatic'

15- Nor is Professor McGonogall

16- Or Filch

17- The Bloody Baron

18- Or Percy

19- Do not perform a magic show for Charms as this does not count for extra credit

20- Errol is not to be boiled in your Hogwarts breakfast as it will cause him to loose most of his feathers

_Second Year_

21- I will not paint the Slytherin common room red

22- Or gold

23- Or both

24- I will not ask Pure Bloods if their parents broke up would they still be siblings

25- Percy having a girlfriend is not repellant

26- Percy's girlfriend is not repellant

27- Professor Flitwick's first name is not Le

28- Cho Chang is not a China doll as that is extremely racist

29- Oliver Wood is not 'hardcore'

30- Professor Dumbledore is not to be referred to as 'Our homie'

31- I will not charm Percy's hair blue

32- Nor will I pay a Slytherin to

33- If someone has an odd name leave them be

34- If someone's parents are divorced, it is not appropriate to give them 'pity presents'

35- I will not charm the other houses notices so that Quidditch cannot be scheduled

36- I will not point out that we cannot be assigned home work since we do not actually go home to do it

37- I will not call Professor Snape, Snake

38- I will not create my potion in reverse order to see what happens

39- All teachers must be referred to by Professor followed by their last names

40- My father is not a 'Muggle Collector' as he will be reported to the Magical Law Enforcement for misunderstood false information

_Third Year_

41- I will not blow up all the toilets and send my mother back one

42- I will not talk loudly about the time Ron wet his pants at a fair in the Great Hall

43- I will not start a food fight

44- Nor throw food at Professors

45- Or charm the food so that it all goes to Professor Snape

46- I will not kiss a seventh year as a dare

47- I will not ask Professor Sprout to go to Hogsmeade with me

48- I will not call Harry Scarhead

49- Or Pothead

50- Nor Harrynator

51- I will not ask Parvati Patil if her parents are twins too

52- I will not ask Dean Thomas unanswerable questions about the muggle world

53- I will not fake a heart attack during lunch

54- I will not burp in Professor Sinistra's face

55- Nor any other Professors

56- I will not talk loudly during tests

57- I will not suggest to Neville Longbottom that he start a career as a magician

58- I will not casually mention about the time I caught Ron playing with Ginny's dolls with her without being asked

59- I will not refer to Professor McGonogall as Mini

60- I will not dance in the middle of Dumbledores leaving feast speech

_Fourth Year_

61- I will not use red paint to draw lines around the Great Hall

62- I will not paint Filch's face red no matter how red it already is as I will then get a full months of detention every day minus weekends with no Hogsmeade weekends

63- I will not turn my Howlers into fireworks

64- I will not send Draco Malfoy a fake Howler, no matter how funny his reaction is

65- I will not jinx Malfoy's broom

66- I will not sneak slugs into Ron's food

67- Nor Professor Snape's, no matter how pale he looks

69- Professor Snape is not a vampire and is not happy with stakes or garlic being thrown at him

70- I will not encourage people to throw books through Moaning Myrtle as a game

71- I will not set up a show ground in the Great Hall

72- Or the Quidditch Pitch

73- All Year Round Snow is not encouraged

74- I will not start hissing at Harry instead of talking

75- I will not pull faces at Petrified people to check if they are faking

76- Nor encourage Peeves to

77- The House-Elves are not mini Gollums

78- I am not Gandalf

79- Nor is Dumbledore

80- My name is Fred/George. I am not Gred or Forge, or Hannah Montana

_Fifth Year_

81- I will not trap any of my brothers in a pyramid

82- I will not try to build a pyramid

83- I did not build a pyramid, I built a sandcastle in Egypt

84- Sirius Black is not to be referred to as Seriously Black

85- scheming ways of blowing up your aunt is a complete waste of time

86- Hippogriffs and Griffins cannot mate

87- centaurs are free thinking creatures, and are not to be 'tamed'

88- you cannot breed a unicorn and centaur

89- putting up pictures of Harry's head and putting pictures up in Hogsmeade captioned WANTED is not funny

90- when getting a detention in class for doing things repetitively is not a good time to starts singing Oops I Did It Again

91- Transfiguring my bunny into a toad is not cute

92- I will not ask out Malfoy just to see his reaction

93- I will not tell first years every month a student gets fed to the giant squid and then pay someone to disappear every month

94- during a party I will not make a Adults Corner for older students

95- in not making Adults Corner, I will not play strip truth or dare

96- I will not play strip truth or dare near younger students

97- I will not play strip anything near anyone or anything

98- I will not suggest the Azkaban prisoners get a walk at least once a day on the lead

99- time traveling is not a worthy career

100- Being falsely imprisoned, escaping, attempting murder, saving three teenagers lives, passing out, captured and escaping on a hippogriff is not a great idea for a play

_Sixth Year_

101- the Triwizard Tournament is a massive international organised game not something you can do between classes

102- I will not give myself an ageing potion

103- I will not try and get into the Tournament in any way

104- I cannot do inappropriate things to foreign students and tell them it is a normal custom

105- I will not refer to the French student, Fleur as 'the sexy Veela'

106- I will not kiss Fleur randomly

107- I will not kiss any girls randomly

108- I will not refer to any girl as 'doable'

109- I will not refer to any boy as 'doable'

110- professors do count

111- even as a dare

112- I will not place bets on the champions

113- I will not predict Harry's death in the Tournament

114- I will not try and grow nose ringlets

115- I will NOT grow nose ringlets

116- I will not streak around the castle at night

117- or day

118- or outside the castle

119- I will not call Cedric Diggory 'Shovel Face'

120- I will not cheer at the end of term because Shovel Face is dead, it's highly disrespectful

**-Shovel Face reference goes to Honest Trailers Twilight on YouTube**

_Seventh Year_

121- I will not run around Grimauld Place like a dog

122- especially in front of Sirius

123- even of he turns Animaugus and joins in

124- I will not complain loudly about how bored and claustrophobic you feel when Sirius has been shut inside for months

125- I WILL NOT APPARATE EVERYWHERE AROUND THE HOUSE

126- NO MAGIC!

127- I will not make banners for Harry at his hearing and cheer him on

128- I will not make any more of those silly sweets

129- I will not be a part of an illegal club (pass that on to Ron and Ginny as well)

130- I will not put anything in Umbridge's tea

131- I will not give Filch anything to cause discomfort or pain

132- I will not tell any professor to 'take a chill pill' and give them one of your fainting fancies

133- I will not give McGonogall canary creams for extra credit

134- I will not moan when I have to return to Grimauld Place for Christmas

135- I will not call Snape a 'massive-hooked-nose-greasy-haired-fat-gay-emo-loner who will never find-or-see love-if-it-was-at-the-end-of-his massive-hooked-nose

136- even if its incredibly true

137- I will not write my homework on the back of this list

138- I will not throw away this list

139- I will not inturrupt OWL exams by flying in on broomsticks shooting fireworks every where and then leaving Hogwarts for good

140- I will never stop being mums perfect little boys

_Signed Molly Weasley_

_Mischief Managed._


End file.
